Please give solid critiquing about my poem?
Gold Pocket Watch
Chains slithered up your arms
like some foreign golden snake.
Till you forgot to breathe on cue
and sank into their blackened take
upon living
you thought yourself the charmer
of stocks and shares and snakes
Yet as you ceased to flute for breath
they tightened round your waist.
manicured and manacled
You writhe with calm restraint
Forgetting how you love to wrap
yourself in your constraints.
You need your golden pocket watch
24 carats cold.
How you love that chink when checking
The time
When you forgot how watches
like great big, foreign snakes
can swallow lives
up whole
I LOVE this!!!
My suggestions are: Spell out the “twenty four. I think it will look better.
“Restraint” and “constraint” are so much alike in meaning that this is a repetition, not a rhyme.
The rhythm of the stanza beginning “You need” is clunky, but I’m not so sure that’s bad.
The last line “up whole” has gross connotations that are unwanted here.
This is one of your best that I have seen.
Waltham 14k Pocket Watch
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New Design Silver Pocket Unisex Watch Chain Golden Skull Skeleton Arabic Number $1.56 |
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Fancy Antique Style the Nightmare before Christmas Pocket Chain Watch, SAC $0.99 |
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Awesome! New Classic Antique Vintage Style Pocket Quartz Watch With Chain, BFM $0.99 |
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Bronze Tone Chain Quartz Pocket Watch 44cm $12.62 |
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Circular medallion Photo Mugs Circular medallion attached to a gilt pocket watch chain. On one side of the medallion is a photograph bearing the name HMS VICTORY. On the reverse of the medallion is a photographic reproduction of a portrait after Lemuel Francis Abbott depicting Vice-Admiral Horatio Nelson (1758-1805) along with the name LORD NELSON….. |
Tags: antique, chain, clock, pocket, pocket watch chain, pocket watch chain length, pocket watch chains and fobs, pocket watch chains antique, pocket watch chains fobs, watch